Throughout childhood, children continually will try to assert their will in any given situation.  It is part of growing and maturing.  Some parents feel that it is only their child or children who whines or challenges every direction given, but happily, this is not the case.  All children test their parents.  Understand though, that it is the parents’ response to these assertive moments that will determine their child’s future behaviors. 

In the meantime, have a family meeting (in my household we have them weekly), and put forth a new No Whining Rule.  Explain to the children that when they need something they need to talk to you without whining, and that if they do whine you will definitely not do for them what they are asking.  Do a quick role-playing exercise between parents, one parent is the whiner and the other is the calm assertive parent who reminds the ‘child’ to talk like a big boy or girl.  The kids will get a kick out of seeing their parent(s) act this way, and it will be a visual example that they will remember. 

Then when confronted with the situation, remind the child to talk like a big boy/girl, and tell the child that if he or she does not, that you will walk away and they will not get what they want.  Then, always make sure that when they ask nicely, they receive praise (like, “Wow, I am so proud that you talked to me like a big girl”), but remember that you do not necessarily have to give in, you can just explain why their demand isn’t okay at that time.  If your child then reverts to whining, walk away, send him or her into a room that whining is allowed in, and disengage from the struggle. 

I recognize that sometimes it is extremely difficult to stand firm in your expectations (believe me I have been challenged many many times).  Though, when you think about the larger consequence to giving in you must understand that the mixed message you send will continue to plague your family.  To give in shows the child that you are willing to negotiate, unless you want to continue negotiating day after day, you must enact household or family rules and stay consistent in your expectations of your children.  Whining will not go away on its own.  Your child needs to see that you mean what you say and you will not waiver in your decision.  In time, the struggle will conclude and you will have a happy household again.

This excerpt is from The Discipline Book by Sears and Sears:

How can such an irritating sound as whining come from such adorable little people?  It combines pleading, demanding, pestering, and nagging interspersed with sniffles and sobs.  It escalates in pitch until either the whiner wears out (this can take a long time) or the listener wears down (this takes only a short time).  Most children whine sometime between ages two and a half and four as they are trying out various voices for the effect on listeners.  The reason they stick with it so long is they often find it works like a charm. 

Depending on the audience response, they will either go on to develop more annoying sound or refine their tone to more pleasant speech.

This excerpt is from The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson:

First:  Define the Boundaries Before they are Enforced. 

The most important step in any disciplinary procedure is to establish reasonable expectations and boundaries in advance. The child should know what is and what is not acceptable behavior before he is held responsible for those rules.

Second:  When Defiantly Challenged, Respond with Confident Decisiveness. 

Once a child understands what is expected, he should then be held accountable for behaving accordingly.  That sounds easy, but as we have seen, most children will assault the authority of their elders and challenge their right to lead.  In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly choose to disobey.  Like a military general before a battle, he will calculate the potential risk, marshal his forces, and attack the enemy with guns blazing.  When that nose to nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to win decisively and confidently. 

This excerpt is from Nanny 911 by Carroll and Reid:

…Whiners are not born.  They’re Made.  …Whining also escalates because parents are so used to attending to their babies’ every need that they swoop in the minute they hear crying.  This is fine for very young babies who do need a swift response to their distress.  It is not fine for toddlers who whine and cry simply to get attention – and who’ve trained mom and dad will do anything to stop the crying.

 STOP THE WHINING TECHNIQUE

1.  Tell children to use their words.

2.  Acknowledge the situation and shift the conversation away from the whining. 

3.  Ask how the child is really feeling.

4.  Involve the child in coming up with a solution to the problem that caused the whining in the first place.