“My challenge is this, it seems each time I put my foot down, so does my toddler.  How do I teach her that she needs to respect us, and the decisions we make for her?”

There are many different techniques that you can use as a parent, behavior modification, role modeling and natural and logical consequences.  For the purpose of this blog, we will discuss consequences…

The Experts:

All works below summarized and sited in:  Guiding Children’s Social Development:  Theory to Practice 4^th ed. 2002 by Kostelnik, Whiren, Soderman, Stein and Gregory.

Problem:  Children constantly try to determine what constitutes in-bounds and out-of-bounds behavior.  The only way they can discover these differences is to test them out by repeated trial and error.  Since adults vary in their willingness to obtain compliance, children test each adult with whom they come in contact to discover that person’s limits.  Both forms of testing frequently result in misbehavior.

Solution:  The way to resolve behavior problems related to mixed messages and limit testing is to enforce rules consistently through the use of consequences. 

Consequences are events that make a particular behavior more or less likely to happen in the future.  Positive consequences increase the chances that behaviors will be repeated, and inhibiting consequences reduce them.

Remember, consequences must correspond with the misbehavior in order for it to teach the lesson…

The Experts:

Guidance of Young Children 5^th ed. 1999 by M. Marion.

Guiding Young Children:  A Problem Solving Approach, 2001 by E. Reynolds.

Positive consequences are those that reward children for maintaining a rule.  One of the most common, and most effective, is to reinforce children with a positive personal message.  When adults affirm children’s compliance using this skill, children are likely to comply again in the future.  This is because a positive personal message reminds children of the rule and its rationale at a time when they have demonstrable proof that they are able to follow it. 

The Experts:

Constructive Guidance and Discipline:  Preschool and Primary Education, 2^nd ed., 1997, by Fields and Boesser. 

Teaching Children to Care:  Management in the Responsive Classroom, 1998,  by R.S. Charney.

Negative consequences are constructive actions aimed at helping children recognize the impact their behavior has on themselves and others.  They are founded on the idea that reason is the basis for behavior change, and they are implemented with the long-term goal of teaching children self-discipline. 

Negative consequences help children learn acceptable conduct from the experience of being corrected.  They enable children to approximate desired acts.  These serve as practice for the future and make it more likely that children will succeed in repeating appropriate behaviors independently.

The Experts: Setting Limits in the Classroom:  Moving Beyond the Classroom Dance of Discipline, 1998, by R.J. MacKenzie.

Types of Negative Consequences:  Natural consequences and Logical consequences.

Natural Consequences happen without intervention, they show children that their actions are significant and do influence what happens to them.  For instance, children who come home late for lunch may suffer the natural consequence of eating cold food or eating alone because everyone else is finished.  Children who talk while the homework is being assigned may miss the page numbers.  Children who fail to put their sneakers in the locker may lose them. 

These repercussions all are a direct result of circumstance rather than of adult manipulation of the environment.  Hence, there are times when adults do not have to create a consequence because the outcome follows directly from the child’s action…. Natural Consequences are very effective in teaching children what to do and what not to do and are well suited for many situations.  However, they cannot be relied on when children’s safety is jeopardized.

The Experts:  Teaching Children to Care:  Management in the Responsive Classroom, 1998,  by R.S. Charney.  New Approach to Discipline:  Logical Consequences, 1993 by Dreikurs and Grey.  Setting Limits in the Classroom:  Moving Beyond the Classroom Dance of Discipline, 1998, by R.J. MacKenzie.

Logical Consequences are directly related to the rule.  This means there is an obvious connection between the child’s behavior and the resulting disciplinary action.  Logical consequences generally take one of three forms:

Rehearsal - children approximate or practice a desired behavior – such as if a child is running down the hall, to have him or her go back and walk.  The act of walking serves as a more vivid reminder of the rule than would simply scolding.

Restitution – children make genuine amends for their misbehavior – such as if children throw food on the floor, it would be logical to insist that they clean it up.

Temporary Loss of Privilege – for a brief time, children forfeit a privilege they have abused – such as a child at school messing around in the hallway.  The child would then loose the privilege of being out in the hallway alone.

I can site so many examples of consequences for even the youngest child, and many have nothing to do with a discipline situation.  Here are just a few below:

Ages 6-8 months:

Behavior:  Baby is making sounds.

Solution:  The parent responds by smiling widely and showing the baby lots of attention.  Participates in back and forth communication, which encourages the baby to ‘talk’ more.

Form of Consequence:  Positive.

Age 11-18 months:

Behavior:  Baby continually throws pacifier out of crib. 

Solution:  Do not retrieve it.  I know it sounds uncaring, but if you continually retrieve it, your little one will learn that you will continually retrieve it, even if it’s 3am!  I promise, if you stop retrieving it, he or she will learn not to throw it out.

(This is also true of the child who throws his cup off the highchair)

Form of Consequence:  Natural

Ages 1-2:

Behavior:  Child refuses to eat his lunch.

Solution:  Put lunch in the refrigerator and offer it again later.  He will get hungry, and he will eventually eat.  Of course, he is going to test your will in the meantime, but you need to keep the same set of expectations for your child.  If he does not end up eating the meal later in the day, then he can wait for the next meal.  Hopefully he will like at least a part of what you are serving for that meal, but if not, again, just save him some left overs. 
If you become the parent who allows your child to dictate what is eaten in your household, you will be making a separate meal for each member of the family.  You also will not be teaching your child respectful table manners, and your child will instinctively learn to reject any new food offered.  (This is a whole topic of its own, which I will save for a later blog).

Form of Consequence:  Logical.

Ages 2-4 years:

Behavior:  Child gets a hold of a crayon and colors all over the house.

Solution:  The child needs to scrub off the marks.

Form of Consequence:  Logical- restitution

Ages 2-6 years:

Behavior:  Child makes a huge mess with her toys. 

Solution:  Certainly, the parent asks the child to begin cleaning, hopefully by reminding to clean one thing at a time, and not the whole room.  Then quickly, before the child has time to refuse, saying something positive about your child’s cleaning ability, or how happy it makes you when she is a big girl and cleans up her messes.

Form of Consequence:  Positive

Ages 2-4 years:

Behavior:  Child injures another child.

Solution:  The child needs to make amends.  (This doesn’t necessarily mean to say I’m sorry – as sometimes making your child say sorry can backfire – visualize the child shouting, “I SAID I’M SORRY!”).  He or she can hug, hold ice on, and or do something nice for the other child.

Form of Consequence:  Logical - restitution

Ages 4- teen years:

Behavior:  Child is asked to put away his clothes.  He surprises you and not only puts them away, but cleans out his drawers too.

Solution:  Praise the child and let him know how proud you are of him.  Your attention will encourage him in the future.

Form of Consequence:  Positive - reward

Ages 3-6 years:

Behavior:  Child throws a temper tantrum because he is not allowed to get a toy at the grocery store.

Solution:  The parent continues shopping (you do not allow the child to dictate that you leave).  After the shopping excursion, the child is not allowed to go with the parent for the next shopping trip, and the child is reminded of his past behavior.

Form of Consequence:  Logical- temporary loss of privilege.

Ages 12- upper teen years:

Behavior:  Child is continually home before curfew, without being asked to be.

Solution:  The child may deserve an extension of his or her privileges, to show your appreciation for his or her obedience.

Form of Consequence:  Positive

Ages 3- teen years:

Behavior:  Child is rude to a visitor, family member, friend, caregiver, teacher, adult, etc.

Solution:  The parent should speak with the child in private, explain how the other person must feel after being spoken to that way, and then, this is important... The child needs to apologize.  He or she will probably be terribly embarrassed, which is good.  Hopefully, the current embarrassment will remind the child in the future not to behave in that manner.

Form of Consequence:  Logical– rehearsal and restitution

In conclusion, consequences are just a very rational way to enact a discipline that is appropriate for the circumstances.  The beauty of most consequences are that you the parent are giving your child ownership of his or her behavior, and the consequence is holding your child accountable.